


Guilty

by chickodee



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Fluff, Fluffy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jeremy and Michael hinted at, M/M, One Shot, Post-Squip, Suicide Attempt, everyone's in it but they show up briefly, jake is guilty and in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 17:30:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13369656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chickodee/pseuds/chickodee
Summary: Jake knew Rich before junior year. He regretted never talking to him because the boy had become the best thing in his life. His best friend. He had hoped that pursuing Christine would make the feelings go away, but they were only stronger. And now sitting beside Rich's hospital bed he needed to let his thoughts stop and his mouth speak because he was hopelessly in love.Or the one where Jake asks Rich to be his boyfriend.





	Guilty

**Author's Note:**

> I friggin love this pair okay??? Jeremy and Michael are all sorts of yes, but these two are so heckin cute. Nobody can tell me that Rich didn't have a crush on Jake in the musical I will fight. And I need more fics of these two to satisfy my needs.

Jake was awkward. Which just made him feel nauseous and fuzzy because he didn't _do_ awkward. He was so used to having everything handed to him, used to smooth talking his way through life that awkward was never a feeling he had to experience.

Well - no - he has felt awkward before. But this feeling was way more strange and complicating. Because it was the first time in his life he had no idea how to approach something. Or to be more accurate someone.

He was playing with his hands, and every time a nurse came to talk to him he'd tug at the cuffs of his varsity jacket because every new nurse meant he was a little closer to seeing _him_. He had been sitting in the hospitals waiting room for - jesus - three hours now? Some of the leading nurses had tried to encourage him to leave and come back later or at least go to the cafeteria and eat.

Jake had been tempted to; however, the thought of missing his chance to visit his friend made the feeling in the pit of his stomach churn even worse than it already had been. Out of their now peculiar group of friends Rich was the only one who was still in the hospital. For more reasons than just the burns on his skin.

It really made Jake want to throw up thinking about it, but the guilt always made his mind race. He stared at his legs for a moment, feeling the tenseness in his joints. After being squipped his healing process had been sped up, considering he couldn't feel pain for that short amount of time it was effortless. And honestly he felt terrible about it because he should be sitting in the hospital right beside Rich.

Though he understood that the circumstances were different. They were so far different from what Jake had thought was going on.

They all thought that the hospital was keeping Rich longer because of his burns. Which were healing nicely, _thank God_. Michael had cooed to Jake one day at lunch that Rich would be out soon, but that was two weeks ago. Now they all understood that Rich's healing process was different from the rest of theirs.

Jake rarely felt guilty about things in the past, but now. After everything had happened it was the only emotion he felt other than the disgust he held against himself.

Rich lit that fire the night of that stupid fucking halloween party in hopes of killing himself so he could escape the Squip locked up in his brain. But the thing was that wasn't the first time Rich had attempted suicide.

Jake doubled over in his seat, uncomfortable from both the chair and the feelings swarming in his mind. He clenched his stomach with one hand while he covered his mouth with the other, arms shaking with the effort. He knew he would start balling if he didn't calm down and he was already embarrassed with sitting in this waiting room for three hours being stared down by nurses who didn't need to see him sob so stupidly.

 _You deserve to feel guilty_.

The voice wasn't his own, so Jake shoved it to the far recesses of his mind. It was something they all spoke about. Jenna didn't really give a damn about the whole Squip situation and Michael would become increasingly uncomfortable when the topic came up and would sink into himself. Brooke, Chloe and Christine weren't as affected just like Jake, but the four would still hear the voices of their Squips every now and again during moments of distress. Jeremy got it bad and had been in the hospital the longest second to Rich.

But Rich. Jake groaned, sitting up and letting his hands pull pathetically at his dark brown locks. Rich had been squipped first; the longest out of all of them, and none of them even knew how long Rich had his Squip to begin with.

And Jake had to agree with that voice for a moment. Because he knew Rich before the start of junior year. He remembered him from freshman year. A new kid to a new city. He blended into the background and Jake never even bothered with messing with him because he already looked so pitiful. Sophomore year Jake hadn't seen him around the school and he wiped the boy from his mind. So when this short, bulky, charasmatic kid showed up at the beginning of junior year he hadn't even connected the dots. He looked and acted so different from the mess of a kid he had watched in the ninth grade.

Jake never thought of sophmore Rich, but now it was something he couldn't stop thinking about. Rich had attempted suicide the summer after freshman year, then again at the beginning of the school year before being homeschooled for the rest of that year by his parents so they could keep a better eye on him.

Now Rich was back to square one and Jake just couldn't stop thinking about it. About how tired and lifeless Rich had looked freshman year. How lonely and hopeless he must have been over sophomore year. How he didn't fucking recognize the short boy who returned junior year. How Rich thought suicide was the only way to escape the monster taking over his mind.

It broke Jake's heart.

He was staring at the ceiling now, counting the tiles and lining the borders of each one with his eyes. The lights were too white and made the area behind his eyes hurt, but he just didn't care. He felt a buzz in the pocket of his jacket and he pulled out his phone.

There were several messages in the group chat, and it continued to pop up with notifications as his friends texted. A few private messages as well. One was from Michael asking if he had seen Rich yet. One from Chloe before he left for the hospital giving him a short good luck. Christine wanted to make sure he was okay and at least that gave Jake a smile.

Christine wasn't mad at him anymore which he couldn't believe, but then again Christine was probably the sweetest girl in existence. Jake still felt bad for using her though. Not that he would ever tell her or any of their friends. He had to shove his phone back in his pocket just to stop from thinking about it. About his feelings for a _certain_ someone. And what he did to avoid it.

He was so caught up in his thoughts he hadn't even noticed one of the lead nurses standing in front of him with a well-dressed young woman until she placed her hand on his shoulder. Jake jumped and the nurse took her hand back with an apologetic look. "Jake, this is Emily. She's going to show you to Rich's room."

"Oh?" Jake stood up, towering over the two woman. Though neither looked intimidated. Emily reached her hand out to shake, but Jake only found himself staring at it, feeling way to exhausted to bring up the energy to shake it back. Emily didn't look offended by any means and took her hand back with a sweet smile on her face. "Sorry it took so long. We had to get the original patient of the room checked out and the place cleaned up. Not to mention Rich needed to get some care for his burns and some blood tests done."

"T's fine." Jake smiled thankfully, hands balling in the pockets of his jacket. "All that matters is that he's comfortable." He paused, hunching slightly. "So. . can we go see him or. . ?"

"Oh! Right, follow me." Emily chuckled, leading them out of the waiting room. Jake threw a wave over his shoulder to the nurse before chasing after the woman. For someone wearing heels and a form-fitting skirt she could move fast. "He's in room 723 for future reference. Though he's only going to be in there for the next three days before we get him all checked out."

"Thank god." Jake couldn't help but smile. He knew Rich was sick and tired of being in the child psychiatric ward for the past two weeks. Visitation was extremely strict and Jake would have to go through two waiting rooms before actually getting to the wards section of the hospital just to see his best friend.

Emily smiled up at him as they rounded a hallway. "He's very lucky to have a friend like you. A lot of cases like his. . . friends don't visit. Its a shame." She shook her head, looking pitiful. "A lot of teenagers who commit suicide several times rarely - if not at all - get such dedicated friends visiting like he has. Family hardly puts effort in at his stage." She patted his arm and he felt his cheeks heat up.

"Well. . he's important." Jake mumbled. And it wasn't a lie. Jake couldn't think of anyone he found more important than Rich right now. They were outside room 723 and Jake had to hesitate. Emily stopped too, giving Jake a tight look. "Listen." She tried. "It was busy in the ward today, and with him moving it got a lot of kids fired up, so he's pretty exhausted. Emotionally and physically."

"I'll keep that in mind." He shouldn't sound so irritated, but he wanted the woman to leave. Really how could she talk like she knew Rich so well? It pissed him off. And she must've gotten the clue because she patted his shoulder and then was walking away.

Jake stayed outside in the hall for a few heartbeats longer. He could hear the TV inside the room. It made him smile fondly as the sound of an obnoxious vacuum infomercial played. Honestly he didn't know how the boy could watch those shitty commercial channels.

He opened the door and peeked in.

The room was lit up by a warm-colored lamp on the bedside table. A large window opening up to the outside where the sun had already dipped under the horizon so the sky could slowly grow darker. Jake could see the freeway from here, the countless cars leaving downtown and the buildings in the background all lighting up with the night. All in all it was a beautiful sight.

But the one directly in front of him was a much more appealing view.

Rich's bed was moved so he was sitting up, but his head was lolled to the side slightly, mouth ajar only a little bit. _Dead asleep_. Jake wanted to laugh but had to hold it in. This side of Rich was so different compared to the facade he had put up for the first half of the year. The cocky, proud kid was gone. Not that he lacked any confidence now, but he was much more soft and chilled out. Even his voice was different.

And _hell_ Jake had to beat himself up for never actually hearing Rich speak freshman year. Unsquipped his lisp was more than obvious and Jake found himself unable to keep his attention off of the smaller teen whenever he went on one of his rambles. Not that he hadn't heard the lisp or stutter break through when he _was_ squipped.

Maybe thats were the attraction started. Even though he was trying so hard to keep up a persona for everyone else when it was just the two of them bits and pieces of this soft Rich would appear and Jake lived for those days.

Now it was everytime he saw Rich that he got to see this real side and it made it so much easier to go out of his way for the boy. I mean he _did_ just spend three hours in a waiting room bored out of his mind just to w _ait_ to see the teen and now has to w _ait_ for him to wake up.

He grabbed a chair from the corner - thankfully they were much more plush than the ones in the waiting rooms - and moved it over to the side of Rich's bed. He pulled out his phone as he sat down, a smile on his face while he opened the group chat.

> **nopainnogains: im in boys**

He didn't need to wait for an immidiate response.

> **lordsaviorCHRISTine: That's wonderful! Why did it take so long?**
> 
> **weed420blazeit: Yee dude, you left like 4 hrs ago**
> 
> **nopainnogains: they were moving him out of the ward he'll be out in 3 days maybe hes sleeping rn**
> 
> **Heereishere: Tell him I said hi and we miss him**
> 
> **QueenBitch: i second this**
> 
> **PinkberryBae: Same here! Make sure you tell him I love him!**
> 
> **PinkberryBae: No tell him we all love him, got it?!**
> 
> **rolaninthedeep: draw a dick on his forehead lmao**

Jake had to chuckle before muting his phone. If his friends wanted to give him an excuse to say that he loved Rich without him outright admitting his feelings he'd do it. His gaze lifted to the teen, his head now rolled over facing Jake.

Jake had to bite his tongue, clenching and unclenching his hand around the beds sheet. Richs hair was no longer gelled and pushed back in that silly cowlick. The red dye that orginally was just down the middle of his hair in a strip was now messy like the rest of his hair. Light brown hair highlighted by red locks and Jake had to admit it looked so much cuter this way.

He finally got the courage to reach a hand out and tuck some stray red strands behind Richs ear. Rich mumbled something and the sleeping boys arm reached out for nothing. Jake took the hand and guided it back to the bed, but kept their fingers linked.

He was pushing it. It wasn't like he didn't know better. Maybe he didn't care, but he should because he was somewhat accountable for what Rich had done even if the latter constantly told him otherwise.

But the biggest problem at hand was Jakes stomach turning into that tight knot that made him want to throw up. These feelings had been overwhelming him since before the play. Before the halloween party if he really wanted to be honest with himself. Rich was the reason he pursued Christine in the first place. Because if he dated her then he wouldn't have to focus on Rich. Which was the biggest mistake for several reasons. Not only did Christine only make him think about Rich more, but because of seeking her out it left Rich alone. _Again_.

He squeezed Rich's hand, a silent promise that he wouldn't ever be alone again.

". . Jake?" Rich's voice surprised him and Jake had to scoff internally at himself because this was now the second time this has happened today. Rich was blinking at him, eyes looking groggy. Most likely from the pain meds that the hospital fed him every few hours.

"Hey, buddy." Jake spoke smoothly, leaning closer so he could rest his head somewhat on the bed. Rich smiled and it made the butterflies in his stomach go from a flutter to a full on frenzy. "Sorry if I'm a little slow." Rich chuckled, cheek pressed into his pillow, facing Jake better. "It was a long day and they gave me some harder drugs."

"Is that safe?" Jake snorted, though he didn't need and answer because Rich was already shrugging uncaringly. The movement pulled at both of their arms and Rich's cloudy brown eyes - _so fucking adorable_ \- shifted to their linked hands.

"Hey." Rich lifted their hands closer to his face and Jake couldn't help but grin at the wistful look that was on his friends face. "You're holding my hand." Rich looked back at Jake with the cutest, awed expression. "Neato."

"Neato?" Jake chuckled against the bed, muffled sounding, and shoulders moving up and down noticeably. Rich looked embarrassed now and with his free hand ran it through his hair. Jake admired how fidgety the boy suddenly looked. "I-I just. You never held my hand?"

"I've held your hand so many times what the fuck are you talking about." Jake could count on his fingers _exactly_ how many times he held his friends hand because _yes_ he counted. Since he's been in the hospital he's held Rich's hand.

"I mean." Rich's eyebrows pushed together and his lips pursed. "Everytime you have here its because you were comforting me. You never held my hand before the. . well y'know." Rich waved his hand, vagually referencing to before the halloween party. "This time I was just sleeping so-?"

"Can't a bro just hold his bro's hand?" Jake mumbled, now feeling like the embarrassed one. He was forcing humor into the situation to avoid the burning question in the air. That palpable tension that has been between them since they first became friends. Jake had thought it was just that new friend feel - which yeah he knew sounded dumb now - but Rich had become his best friend so quickly how could he not think it was just that? But then it started to feel like more than that as the days carried on. He'd find any excuse to talk to Rich, wrap an arm around Rich while joking to make it seem normal. Any way to hear that lisp sneak out reminding him of the boy he had watched freshman year.

He paused for a moment and he stared at Rich. He wasn't looking at him anymore. He was smiling, but it didn't reach his eyes and Jake felt a stab of repentance.

"I'm kidding. That was a shitty joke." Jake wanted Rich to look at him again. Their hands were still joined and he'd be damned to be the first one to let go. "Its more for me than you right now." Jake admitted and thankfully that got Rich's full attention.

"Are you doing okay?" Rich sounded so worried it made the smile on Jake's face feel lighter. Rich's worry melted into concerned irritation. "You're not blaming yourself again right? I've told you that what happened wasn't your fault, Jake, got it? I need to hear you say it."

"Okay." Jake would give Rich whatever he wanted. "It wasn't my fault."

"Good."

"But that's not what I was thinking about."

"Then what?"

Rich was looking at him expectantly and Jake knew he would need to talk before his mind caught up and screamed at him to shut his fucking mouth. "I was thinking about freshman year." He muttered, looking Rich in the eyes. However the boy looked confused and he had a crooked smile on his face. "That's weird. Why? What happened freshman year?"

"Really?" Rich really was helpless.

But Jake was pretty fucking hopeless. Especially when it came to this boy.

"I was thinking about you from freshman year. You know. . I saw you around a lot, but I never tried to talk to you." He looked down from the light-headed brunnet. That guilt was coming back again and he gave Rich's hand a squeeze to try and get some sort of achor on his thoughts. "I wish I did. I regret it everyday. When I found out that you tried to-" he couldn't finish the sentence "-and it made sophomore year so much more clear to me. You not being there and all. I'm so sorry, Rich. I'm sorry I never tried."

When he looked back up Rich's entire face was red and he looked humilated. "You." Rich squeaked. "Y-You knew it was me this entire time?"

Jake gave a nose-wrinkling laugh. "I pretty much ogled you all of freshman year. I mean it took me a little bit to realize it _was_ you, but yeah, I knew." He knew his own expression was doting and he couldn't look away from Rich's face.

He used his other hand to tenderly trace the burn marks scoring up the smallers arm. And maybe to admire the muscles on him too.

"That's." Rich's lisp was harsher and he refused to look at Jake. "T-That's super gay."

"I'm super gay for you." Jake tried. He should be embarrassed at how lame of a come-on that was, but he had beat around this bush for so long he really couldn't stop himself anymore. His mind - although filled with guilt - was constantly swimming in everything Rich. And when he was with him, _well_ , that guilt was meaningless.

Rich's hand squeezed his tightly, and although his face was angled towards him, his eyes were staring down at where Jake was still tracing the burns. "Is that s-supposed to be a shitty joke too?" He wondered meekly. Jake loved seeing this shyer side of Rich. It was so endearing and made his heart swell with adoration for his best friend.

"No." The taller whispered, leaning a little closer. He was out of his chair now, and removed his hands so he had them pinned on either side of Rich's face just above his shoulders, knee pressed into the side of the bed. "Hey, Rich?"

"Y-Yes?" He stuttered out, face still red, wide-eyed up at Jake.

"Can I kiss you?" Jake breathed out and he had to keep his control under check because he was so close to just stealing the others lips with his own without permission. Rich stared at him and Jake was slowly beginning to regret ever saying anything. Because of course Rich would reject him. Not that Jake blamed him.

 _Rich is too good for you_. This time it was his own voice screaming in his head.

"Why would you want to kiss me?" Rich finally spoke and Jake knew his expression had turned dumb. How was he supposed to answer that? Did he want the truth? Because telling Rich that he has probably been in love with him since freshman year without even knowing it was too mortifying to say outright. "Well." Jake felt awkward with their faces so close. "I like you? And I want you to be my boyfriend. Maybe I should've asked that first. Shit, I'm sorry." He was backpedaling.

"You want to date me?" Rich was more surprised by this and Jake had to stare down at the boy like he was actually stupid. "You think I would ask to kiss you just for the hell of it? You're the only person I've had a crush on you're really making this difficult you know."

Rich's face scrunched up, and he folded his arms and Jake wanted to slam his head against the wall because for **_fuck's sake_**. "But you dated Chloe?" Jake rolled his eyes. "We didn't even like each other. We started dating in middle school because everyone wanted us too."

"Oh." Rich stated and the blush was creeping back onto his cheeks.

"You know." Jake muttered angrily, too peeved to think about how adorable the boy beneath him looked. "In the movies you'd already be kissing me and we'd be cuddling in the bed. But now this is just all awkward and my arms cramping up and I'm blaming this on you."

Rich did something like an inbetween of a snort and a giggle and Jake must've lost all self-control because his hand was tipping Rich's head up by his chin and he had his lips brushing against the others.

It was a breath of a kiss, barely anything at first, but then Rich had his arms wrapped around the tallers neck and he sank right into the embrace. It wasn't fireworks or white behind his eyes, but it felt just s _o right_.

Rich was humming against him, laughing into the kiss. Jake turned the shorter gently in the bed so they were both comfortably lying down. "You're so amazing, you know right?" Jake muttered against Rich and now they broke apart because the other was trying to shove Jake away. "You're just embarrassing now!"

"After what you just did with all the questioning I get too be." Jake laughed, hugging Rich by his waist. Rich was half lying on Jake's chest, scowling, but it quickly turned to a smile. "So. You actually want to date me?"

"Jesus." Jake threw his head back against the pillow. "What else do you need to hear me say? Yes I want to date the fuck out of you. I want to take you out on dates and hold your hand at school and I want to introduce you to everyone as my stupid-beautiful boyfriend." But he smiled anyways, staring at the teen laying on top of him. It was an endearing look he reserved specially for Rich. Who had a similiar expression on his face.

"I can't believe you want to hold my hand." Rich crooned, fanning himself dramatically. "In _public_."

Jake cupped the shorters face, glaring. "Do you want to date me or not?" Though the amusement leaked through his angry facade anyways. Rich smiled bashfully and nodded. "Yes. I would love to date the fuck out of you too, Jake."

"Good." He kissed Rich again and this time it felt even more perfect.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 2 in the morning and I have no regrets tbh


End file.
